Your Adopted Child “She gave birth yesterday, and you’re the parents of a boy,” said the caseworker from the adoption agency. Stacy’s prayers were answered. She and her husband, Peter, were elated knowing they would soon be holding their son. Within the next several years, they adopted girl, and then Stacy gave birth to twin boys. They had the perfect family. Stacy and Peter divorced when Larry, their first son was seven years old. Soon Larry was having outbursts of anger, and within a few years, he went from a happy youngster to an irritable, withdrawn teenager. In high school, when his small group of friends did not include him in their activity, he remained in his room for hours. “I don’t care what they do,” he told Stacy. She knew he felt rejected, but had no idea how deeply their rejection reinforced his feeling of not being wanted. He developed an attitude that people were not important in his life. Candy, their daughter, was also exploding over minor issues, and her anger was directed toward herself and Stacy. After numerous attempts of encouraging her adopted children to tell her what was going on, Stacy finally decided they were just going through the turbulent teenage years. Before Larry graduated from college, Stacy pleaded with him not to be so isolated and asked him why he didn’t want to socialize. He didn’t hesitate and said, “I have a low self-esteem.” “That’s hard to believe,” replied his mom. “You’re good looking, intelligent and will soon have a degree in accounting.” “So what! How would you feel if your birth mother gave you away?” said Larry angrily. His answer shocked her. This was the first time he had mentioned the feeling of rejection from his birth mother. When Stacy and Peter adopted, little information was known about the turmoil every adopted child experienced. Since then, we have results of studies, which have been conducted to understand the effects of being relinquished at birth. Stacy understands now that her adopted children were grieving for the loss of their birth family and their genetic identity. When she and Peter divorced, it added to Larry’s and Candy’s beliefs that no one would stay with them. In her book, “Insight Into Adoption,” Barbara Taylor Bloomquist wrote, “Psychologists tell us we need to grieve in order to move on with our lives. Sadly, many adoptees are stuck in the anger stage of grieving and don’t realize the source of their problem.” Larry is still in the anger phase. He is successful in his accounting career, but remains a loner. He never married. According to Bloomquist, when adoptees remain in the anger stage of grieving some never date nor marry. Candy married, and when she found her birth mother, her relationship with Stacy declined even further. She and Larry seldom communicate. If you are contemplating adoption, you are fortunate now to have information available regarding the grieving every adopted child will experience. You will be better able to understand behaviors, which may indicate the need for special guidance and understanding. As a Christian, you have the confidence that the Lord will give you wisdom to lead your child through the stages of grief. Adoption is a blessing from the Lord, and you can be joyous with the child the Lord places in your home. Open adoption gives children the opportunity to know their birth family and genetic background. With your prayers, wisdom and counsel, your child will be able to accept who he/she is and be secure in your love and the love of the Lord. ©Lorie Jackson 2005